But before, I spent the whole winter hiding away in a cave. The cold bit my skin whenever I tried to go outside. Conditioned I’d always regret it, I stayed where I felt the safest. Inside. Hidden away. I figured if being here does not hurt, why should I ever try ever again? I mean, yes, it was lonely and I spent too much time looking at the walls, trying to create stories in my head. And yes, I spent countless nights imagining how it would feel to be outside but I had tried it before, hadn’t I? Each time, I had gone back to my cave, frostbite, not feeling my fingers and toes and the tears are just water that evaporates after all. I stopped trying after a while.

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I put my headphones back on. I obsessively listen to Nobahari by Mohsen Namjoo nowadays. Songs like this remind me I don’t have to understand the lyrics to be able to deeply in love with them. And let them make me feel sad. Disconnected. Alone in a room of people. Such beautiful feelings, really.

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i love you.

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I want to write. I want to write and tell so much. So many words and sentences that will make paragraphs that will create pages and pages turning into books. Until I cannot write anymore.

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There are a lot of things that surprise me in this life.

Like how the planes fly and not fall. How if the bees die, we’ll die as well. Like how the time flies so fast before you realize but also sometimes, it feels like the clock is not moving. Like how one simple word can make your life better or worse. Like how powerful a mother’s love is. How people kill each other for the sake of religions and how some rocks are more valuable than the others. How each snowflake is different and how a character’s death in a book or a movie can make you feel pain as if you truly lost a friend.

So many things.

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With age comes the wisdom, they say.

You learn how to live life more beautifully. More bravely. You start caring about other peoples opinions less and start listening to the voice inside you, the one that was so quiet and you shut down so many times before. With age, you realize you don’t have to love everybody and you don’t have to be nice everybody. It goes the other way around. Not everyone has to enjoy your presence and company and even though it’d be nicer that way, they also don’t have to be nice to you.

With age comes the wisdom.

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Sometimes I wish I was a fridge.

I think it would be easier. Being human is pretty difficult. Fridges don’t have wake up in the morning and go to work where they have to pretend their whole world is not collapsing. They don’t have to smile to other fridges in escalators as if they just didn’t cry in the metro. They also don’t have to have a 5-year plan or try to plan what to do with their weekends so they don’t feel like they are wasting time. Every second of every hour passing by.

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